I learned something about myself in the last couple of months. I realized that little of my behavior is dictated by other people’s demands and expectations. That’s not to say that I don’t value the opinions and suggestions of others or that I don’t heed the advice of those whose lives make their wisdom evident. I guess really what I’ve become better at lately is knowing what I want and what I need and why I want and need what I want…and how much or how little I allow others to have a say in what happens to me. The opinions and attitudes of those who love me – my parents, my sisters, my friends – matter to me and are always given consideration. Their suggestions and admonitions are tokens of their love for me. I’m blessed to have friends and family who encourage me to be myself and to be Good. My responsibility extends beyond that though – even my friends and family can’t know who I am or what I need the way I can and the way God can. I want to be true to myself and I want to be devoted to my God. I think if I get those two things right then all will be right with my little world and those who love me should have little to worry about.
I still need to grow, learn, experience, etc. and I have little doubt that I will someday be wiser and greater than I am now. But I’ve reached a stable point in my life again. I feel pretty at ease…happy, even. What is new and surprising to me lately is that I find myself looking to the future less and less. I’m sure prior disappointments have affected my desire to make long-term plans… but there’s more to it than that. I think I’m now more able than ever to appreciate the present. It’s hard to explain how to be happy with the present and yet I find myself able to do it throughout most of the day. The sun was shining today so I went and ran in the glorious warmth. A job opportunity presented itself this week so I took it. I had a couple of spare hours so I worked on a painting that has been a work in progress for far too long. I was able to be still and listen to my Creator’s voice. I feel that if every day I give my best to all that is important to me then the big picture will come together.
