Other-oriented vs. self-oriented

I was linked to this wikipedia article about The Church of Satan and when reading it couldn't help but notice how much the Church of Satan's description of itself aligns with the worldview of such a large portion of modern society. Here's what stuck out to me: instead of being Other Oriented (1st commandment love God / 2nd commandment love your neighbor) its about being Self Oriented - you are your own god - you decide what works for you and that is all that matters - you are free to develop your own perspective about what is right and wrong without regard to anything outside of you.  Isn't that how many people live their lives?  I do what's right for me and you do what's right for you?  There is no "right or wrong" about it there is just my perspective and yours? Aren't we largely driven by our own good in relationships, in politics, and in our careers?  Don't get me wrong, I know many other-oriented people who prioritize their families, their friends, God - even their clients.  I just really feel like there is a strong societal acceptance of living for yourself & letting others be "not my problem".

A link to the article:

http://en.wikinews.org/wiki/Satanism:_An_interview_with_Church_of_Satan_High_Priest_Peter_Gilmore

An excerpt:

David Shankbone: How would you define the word Satan?

Peter Gilmore: Satan is a model or a mode of behavior. Satan in Hebrew means “adversary” or “opposer”; one who questions. Since we generally are skeptical atheists, we question all spirituality. We believe that carnality is all that exists and the spiritual dimensions are fictional. So we stand against eastern and western religions that promote fictions, according to our perspectives. So we are adversaries. Satan to us is an exemplar. When we look at how he is portrayed by Mark Twain in Letters from the Earth, or Byron, or Milton’s Paradise Lost, he ends up being an inspirational symbol to us. We say we would like to be more like that. We will not bow our heads; we will be independent. We will constantly question.

You can’t be praying to a God or blaming a devil, or anyone else, for that matter, for what happens to you. It’s on your own head. That’s a challenge for most people.

DS: What is the Church of Satan?

PG: Satanism begins with atheism. We begin with the universe and say, “It’s indifferent. There’s no God, there’s no Devil. No one cares!” So you then have to make a decision that places yourself at the center of your own subjective universe, because of course we can’t have any kind of objective contact with everything that exists. That’s rather arrogant and delusional, people who try to put things that way. So by making yourself the primary value in your life, you’re your own God. By being your own God, you are comfortable about making your own decisions about what to value. What’s positive to you, is good. What harms you, is evil. You extend it to things that you cherish and the people that you cherish. So it’s actually very easy to see that it’s a self-centered philosophy.

If you were in charge, I'd be dead.

I often hear about politicians putting their foot in their mouth and spouting out inaccurate statements, seemingly without any regard or respect for truth and without regard to the consequences of ignorance.  Most recently, US Rep. Joe Walsh said some completely inaccurate statements, which he quickly took back following media backlash.  At bottom, what he said is that with modern technology and science, an abortion is never necessary to save the life of the mother:

"The controversy stemmed from a Thursday night debate at WTTW-Channel 11. Walsh declared that abortion should be outlawed in all circumstances, including to save the life of the mother.

Afterward, Walsh told reporters that medical advances had rendered it unnecessary to ever perform an abortion to save a mother’s life.

“With modern technology and science, you can’t find one instance,” Walsh declared.

Asked then if he was saying it was never medically necessary to perform an abortion to save the life of a mother, Walsh responded: “Absolutely, yes.”

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/chi-new-firestorm-joe-walsh-comments-abortion-todd-akin-20121019,0,127789.story

First off, I have lived an amazingly blessed life.  I am extremely grateful for the life I've lived and I know that many people have been dealt a less favorable hand.  However, I've seen my lows, like everyone else, and I find Joe Walsh's comments offensive and insulting.  He is completely disregarding the entire group of women who have had to come face to face with a "life of the mother" experience in order to promote his own political agenda.  This guy put himself out there and said this entire group of women doesn't exist.  Thanks to advances in technology and science, "you can't find one instance".  Hey, jerkoff, I'm right here.

I was pregnant at a wonderful time in my life.  I was married, finally nearing the end of my education, and looking forward to moving back to Texas to start a job.  After several months of trying to conceive, I was pregnant.  I vividly remember reading the dipstick in my apartment in Indiana and being absolutely ecstatic when the color changed.  That moment was, without a doubt, one of the best moments of my life.

I never made it to my follow up ultrasound appointment.  Prior to the going in for the ultrasound, I was struck with an excruciating pain in my right side and rushed to a doctor to find out what was was wrong.  The doctor couldn't help me and sent me down the road to the ER. After some drugs, blood draws, examination by multiple people in a manner that was extremely uncomfortable, and an ultrasound, I was finally told what was going on.  There is a blur here in my memory as far as the language that was used to explain what was going on but I remember one thing for sure, I remember a doctor I'd met two minutes prior, looking me straight in the eye with his piercing blue focused eyes, telling me: "You could die from this."

- The first option was to do nothing. If I did nothing, there was a real and immediate possibility that I would die.  Fetuses are meant to grow in a uterus, not in your fallopian tube.  A fetus in a tube can cause the tube to rupture at any moment.  The area where the fetus was is extremely vascular, more so than various other parts of the body, and a rupture might cause me to bleed to death internally.

- The second option was a drug.  The drug attacks all the dividing cells in your body, specifically targeting cells that are multiplying rapidly.  The drug would essentially disintegrate the fetus into smaller pieces that could then be eliminated by my body.  My nails would probably be brittle, I might lose clumps of hair, and all of my other rapidly dividing cells would be affected to some degree.

What about the baby?

There will be no baby.

Of course I considered my own well-being.  Of course.  I love life.  That is what this post is about.  I lived.
I don't want this life to be over.  But I wanted to know baby's future too.  Baby had no future.  The baby needed a womb to grow in.  It needed an umbilical cord and a sac around it and nutrients and space and...the fallopian tube is insufficient.

I laid down on my stomach. I felt two shots, one on my left hip and one on my right hip.  I laid there for what seemed like forever, waiting to be told it was ok to leave.  The next few months were filled with prayers, curses, anger, peace, sadness, hope, numbness, you name it.  I was thankful that I was alive.  I was thankful that I had a future.  I was terrified about what had happened.  I wasn't ready to go.  A few times a week my blood was drawn and each time I was told I was doing better.  You're doing better.  You're going to be ok.  We're in the clear.

Did I have a choice?  Did I choose to have an abortion?  Did I choose my life over that of another being? Who has a right to decide that the first option - doing nothing - was the right option for me?

I made this decision. Though in a cold objective & detached realm the choice is clear, it sure as hell didn't seem clear then.  I was at the brink of an exceedingly bright future being told I might not have a future at all.  How do you wrap your mind around that?  How do you process that in a moment's notice?  Have you made a life or death decision in the middle of a medical emergency?  One life was doomed but the other had a chance. Why throw away that chance?  How can you tell women, a woman who's heart might be breaking at the loss of hope that comes with a lost pregnancy, that she does not have a right to choose to live? I chose life.  I chose my own life.  I chose the life of the mother because, despite what some politician on tv tells you, my life was at risk and the other life was over.  Period.  He wouldn't make it but I could.

Death Penalty

If I stood accused of a crime – a very serious crime – would you help me out? How would you help? Perhaps you’d refer me to a good lawyer, maybe you’d find some good experts to help me fight my case or you might even give me money to help to pay for the lawyer. Maybe you’d come to the punishment phase of my trial and say great things about me to ensure that I wasn’t punished too harshly.

What if I was rightly accused? What if I was guilty of exactly what I was charged with? What if the punishment for my wrong was death? Would you still try to get me out of trouble? Would you still try to make sure the punishment wasn’t too severe?

I am guilty. I am guilty of something for which the punishment is death. Will you go beyond advice, testimony, or defense costs and take the punishment for me? Will you bear the penalty for my wrong?

Thankfully you don’t have to answer that question.

Someone else already has.

Someone answered that question in the affirmative about 2000 years ago.

Romans 2:23- All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Romans 6:23- The wages of sin is death.

Romans 6:23 continues- The gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God didn’t say abracadabra to suddenly transfer me from a path that led to death to one of life, He sent His son – His perfect Son – so that I could go from one path to the other.

Jesus did not have to die. Unlike the rest of us, Jesus was sinless. Though sin results in death, Jesus was without sin and did not have to die at all. Jesus didn’t have to bear the punishment because He didn’t commit the offense which justifies the punishment. He bore the punishment in my place. He gave Himself willingly to rescue me from the death sentence brought about by my own sin.

John 3:16-17- For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life. Indeed, God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.

(New Revised Standard – not what I usually use but it was available.)

Lupron Depot/Norethindrone

Y'all. This medicine has taught me some things about myself. I'm trying to be positive and reflect on any good that has come out of this. Here goes my attempt!

Babies
First, I'm glad I did this. I can say that with a straight face now knowing that this process will be over in 8 days. I really do want to slow down this awful disease called endometriosis long enough to have kiddos. I know there are options for people with infertility who want to have kids and I know that I will love my children regardless of whether they are made in a test tube or if they are mine by law and not due to anything genetic. I want to be a mama. More specifically, I want to be the best mama ever - even though I know many women who have set that bar extremely high. I hope the surgery, shots, daily pills and everything that came as a side effect to that (i.e. scars, weight gain, exhaustion, less interest in my man, etc.) will pay off in the form of an easy conception, uneventful pregnancy and normal delivery. Knowing I've increased the chances of those things happening has made this less-than-fun process worth a shot.

Fitness
These meds took all my energy - I'd look for the energy to workout and it just didn't seem available. I've spent so many weekends napping for hours at a time. I don't know how many times I've apologized to my Hon for not feeling up for doing anything fun because I just wanted to rest. I actually felt embarrassed sometimes wondering if Ryan's parents just find me extremely lazy for sleeping so much when I visit their home. And ugh this weight gain. If you know me I'm sure you've already heard me complain about this. 114 to 131 y'all. BUT the good thing that has come out of all that is that I'm now fully aware of my potential for fitness. I now feel like "wow, I had all that energy before and didn't get the maximum use out if it." My goal is not to be as fit as I was before all this. My goal is to be MORE fit than I was before. I don't necessarily want to weigh less or be "skinnier" - I just want my body to perform better. I want to strengthen it. I want to learn new things (dance lessons anyone?) that I didn't do with my body before. I'm so mentally pumped about getting back into physical activity! I want to be athletic!

Smoking
This is the hardest one for me to admit. I still wasn't going out and buying my own packs or anything, but I was starting to get way into smoking (not that any amount of smoking is ok). Knowing that there were more immediate dangerous consequences to smoking while on Lupron/Norethindrone made me completely quit smoking. In 8 days I will be 6 months smoke free. Being forced to quit made me realize I'm completely capable of not smoking. I'm set on keeping this up as a lifestyle change and not just as a temporary change. I don't think this will be easy but I know I'm capable of doing it and I know it would mean a lot to my Hon. I will also feel like a better mama if my kids never know me as a smoker...but that's a distant goal for now.

Pain
I've been living with pain off and on since I was 9 years old because of this disease. It was humiliating leaving in the middle of a final exam my senior year in high school because I was in so much pain. The teacher came up to me, saw me shivering & sweating etc. and said "Go home. I'll grade what you've done so far." Oh, the rumors that ensued afterwards...
I've felt the kind of pain that is so bad that I get fever, throw up and other miserable stuff - completely debilitating pain. I've only had minor pain for the last 6 months. I really really really hope the days of intense pain are over. Even if I've just bought a long delay to the recurrence of pain, that's something. I really hope the pain doesn't come back. This treatment has undoubtedly been a pain in the @** but it hasn't been the worse kind of pain...

Enough of that. I'll begin weekly weigh-ins on or around the last day of treatment. I hope to receive some encouragement from friends/family because I'm sure I'll need it - especially if things take more time than I hope. Hopefully I will be my old self again (minus the bad parts - like pain and such) very soon after I take that blasted final pill!

Letting our ideas be challenged

First a tiny bit of back story: My mom and I talked about church a couple of nights ago. We disagree on the necessity, or at least the importance, of going to a physical building on Sunday for church. I typically turn on an Alistair Begg podcast and have “church” at 8am or 5pm in my car and consider that sufficient. Mom would like for me to join her at a local church on Sunday morning.

Ok more back story: I’m in my car the next day thinking about the conversation I had with my mom and decide to turn on some Alistair. I’m already thinking about “religion” so why not listen to a sermon. I turn on the podcast and the brief introduction to the sermon says the next 8 sermons will be on “the Church”. I was surprised at my response…

So many times, I realize that an opportunity to learn lies before me and I’m pumped about it. I’m ready and anxious to learn. Sometimes I look back on something major that’s just happened and feel that there must be something to be learned from the experience and I try to piece the meaning together in my mind. Surely there has to be some meaning in all that I just experienced. But that morning in my car with Alistair was different. I didn’t want to learn. Or better yet, I was afraid to learn. I’m so firm in my convictions about the role of the church and I didn’t want those convictions challenged. I didn’t want to spend 8 sessions (4 hours!) being told how I was wrong about my ideas on the church. I’m fully aware of how much of an authority Alistair is to me so I knew that even if I didn’t like one word of what he said, I’d have to take it seriously. I’d have to consider what it was that he had to say because it was likely very biblically based and I know he is an intelligent and educated man who is very committed to teaching. Frankly, in the event that his teaching was different from my views, I didn’t feel up for the challenge.

I was pretty ashamed at myself for not wanting to listen and be challenged so I braced myself and have finally made my way through all four hours of Alistair’s teaching on the church. In the end, his views aren't drastically different from mine and I wasn’t quite as challenged as I expected to be. Probably 20 percent of what I heard was new and a learning experience but it really wasn’t a paradigm-shifting series.

Anyways, I was surprised at myself for discovering that I was so reluctant to listen and potentially be challenged and learn and grow. We shouldn’t think ourselves beyond such things. We all have areas where we’re comfortable and would just as well leave good enough alone.

We should encourage ourselves and each other in those areas where we are intellectually curious, brave and quest for knowledge or truth. But we should also try to figure out where we’re stubborn and areas where we don’t want to hear something that might challenge us. We need to know a) why we are so reluctant to change our views in those select areas of stubbornness and b) how we got so firm in those views to begin with so we can re-evaluate whether such conviction is really justified.

Thinking Positive

The last couple of weeks have been rough. I've let myself stress too much about the move & all that it entails. I've especially had a tough first few days adjusting to being in a different city from Ryan. But...
First, I think I'll start handling this better with the passage of time.
Second, I need to focus on the positive. I haven't really given my attention and appreciation to the good things that have recently happened to me! So here it goes:

1) Food. I know this is a silly thing to begin with, but I get great joy out of good food :-P I'm so excited to be in a town where a) I have any type of food in the world a short drive away b) I get to frequently enjoy my mom's cooking. There are so many foods I have rarely had over the past two years that I will now be able to enjoy more frequently. It's also wonderful to have a home-cooked meal that I didn't make myself! This is especially good because of my long commute.

2) Family. I remember coming home - sometimes after being gone an entire month - and thinking to myself "wow, my babies learned a few dozen new words while I was gone" "goodness, one of my babies grew two inches since the last time I saw him" - but now I'll be able to see my precious nephews very often! I've missed my sisters! I'm grateful for the good friends I have and my sisters are certainly two of the best friends I have! My parents are the best. Even though I'm all grown up, it's nice to come home and have my dad ask how my day was. My mom is always reminding me that she is so proud of me and she's always so full of encouragement.

3) Work. I'm actually excited about doing something new! It's intimidating moving into an area of law that I have no experience with and being surrounded by new people in a new work environment but I realize this is an opportunity that most people don't get. It's hard not to get pegged into a specific field of law - whether that's because you become comfortable with it or because experience in the specific field is typically required to get a job. It's really too early to tell what this whole new area of law will be like but I'm excited to branch out and learn new things. Yay learning!

4) Shopping. Loft, Banana Republic, White Black, oh how I've missed y'all! Since I'm in court much less often I can shop for much more than suits. And I can go to stores now that have Petites in stock without me having to put in an order.

Well, those are a few of the positive things that I have to soak in for now. I'm going to try to focus more on all the good things and try not to give too much attention to the things that could be better. After all, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Looking back on another year

My 27th year was pretty different from the rest.
The years leading up to this one were based around schedules, task lists, goals, etc. but this year I just kinda went with the flow. Instead of constantly working towards and making progress towards fitness goals, academic goals, creativity goals, etc. I just lived day to day in the moment with no real plan. That's not to say that I've been inactive or lazy this past year - there are areas of my life, such as work, where I feel very accomplished - but this year has been so different from most. Realizing how different it has been of course makes me ask "Why?". Why did I become less goal oriented, less diversified in my interests, less of a task oriented person. I think there are a few reasons...

I believe one reason I was so different this past year is that I was in a new environment.
I wasn't in school (college or law school) so I wasn't around many other driven, ambitious, competitive, goal-oriented people. Being out of school also means I'm not around pre-established interest communities such as Christian student organizations. I have to fend for myself more to find like-minded individuals.
I was away from my family. Elisa is great at keeping me motivated and accountable for reaching fitness goals. I haven't found as much of a running enthusiast nearby in College Station. Susana is great with encouragement such as reminding me that I'm a role model for other girls and generally keeping me on the right track. My family helps me accomplish more.

A few unexpected and unplanned things happened that threw off my schedule, my energy level, my expectations for the year.
Between surgery in September, a car accident in December & Lupron for the last several months, my energy level has dropped so much. I've remained active but my activity level for the last several months has been far from the old running 20 miles a week. Some days my meds just make me feel so worn out that I don't even want to sit up to paint- I just want to lay down. Luckily, I think I'm at the tail end of most of my treatment.

I have one person in my life that brings so much fulfillment, entertainment & happiness, that I kind of Forget there are other things that bring me as much fulfillment, entertainment, or happiness.
I am so grateful for Ryan. We have a wonderful time together just hanging out- without doing anything extraordinary. He has never intentionally taken me away from any of my hobbies, interests or goals...but I enjoy watching a movie with him as much as I used to enjoy writing, I enjoy playing Black Ops with him as much as I used to like painting, & I love sitting for hours just talking with him and sharing ideas. Sometimes it's hard to tear yourself away from what's right in front of you & enjoyable to go do something else that's enjoyable as well. I do miss painting & writing very much though. It's crazy to think of the paintings I've begun already and just never completed.

I don't think there's anything Wrong with the way I lived the past year. There was nothing I did that I think I shouldn't have been doing...but there were many things that I didn't do that I plan to get back into!